Whirling Resentment

A confession

Double Negative Dispatch Issue #87

Something has been weighing on me.

A couple weeks ago, I released this video:

It was the first time I’ve dipped into anything resembling politics on my channel, and yet, it wasn’t really political. I was fascinated on one aspect of the process of making images like this (from a photographer’s perspective) and made, in my view, a light assessment of it. I didn’t think out the video, I just filmed it and uploaded it. It was not a dog whistle or secret code trying to sway anyone toward my beliefs about politics, it was me imagining what it would take to purposely shoot unflattering photos of people one was hired to shoot.

As a result, I was jarred by many of the angry comments of people who willingly misunderstood or misconstrued me as being disingenuous and eventually, I shut off the comments. They all just felt unhelpful and many of them (not all of them) were from people who were just angry.

I’ve seen the same anger blanketing commenters’ opinions about Polaroid or Fuji or Sony or much more insignificant niche topics than the state of our nation’s leadership. The accusations are almost identical as if I’m a secret agent for Polaroid or a political operative for JD Vance’s 2028 presidential run. (Just fyi I’m open to being a Polaroid secret agent)

But the thing that really bothered me more than anything was calling out my “silence” on political issues, with the argument being “everything is political” as if I can’t simply talk about any aspect of anything without attaching a political opinion to it. When I hear that, I hear the many conservatives I grew up around make uneducated judgements about movies or cultural products because they don’t like an actor or artist’s politics. I hear a miserable person wanting others to join them in their misery. I hear resentment whirling around poisoning everything it can get its hands on.

I know the feeling well. Not only do I feel somewhat at home with angry and resentful people, but I struggle a good deal with it myself. And I hate it.

Social media, by its very nature, attracts people like me. I used to be consumed by the power to comment and spread my opinion everywhere I could, ranting and raving about this or that, feeling the pleasure of venting in inappropriate ways about politics or whatever else. I would say things online I would have never said in public, to actual people, but the internet permits us to let some of that inner-ugliness out. And it seems totally acceptable. Grandparents, parents, and people I respect (or used to) readily make fools of themselves online, and yet, there seems to be no consequences.

I used to be one of those people being a dumbass online (I am still a dumbass online but in a totally different way now). Until one day when I started seeing myself transform into a real-life ogre. The resentment I was leaking out online was leaking into my actual life, and I didn’t even notice. I thought I could keep it compartmentalized to inconsequential posts, but believing I could control raging bitterness was arrogance. It wasn’t just anger around my political opinions, but anger around aspects of my life and insecurities that attached themselves to EVERYTHING I would post online, including the photography blogs I would write. Suddenly, the correctness of my opinions felt much more high stakes, because confirmation of my opinions validated me.

So I stopped.

I made a promise to myself that I would focus on getting better at my art, and that’s all I would use social media for from here on out. Since 2016, that’s all I’ve really allowed myself to dip into. View me as an alcoholic or drug abuser if that helps clear up the picture. There’s never been a productive moment for me to vent online over the past ten years. Sure, maybe my anger about something might be righteous, but how would it be viewed in the format of a scrollable bite of inconsequential consumable smartphone entertainment? If I were to let myself play on that playground, it would be more about me than the issue itself.

I’ve been accused a few times now for being silent on certain issues. But almost always, the accusation comes from some bitter person who have let themselves be eaten up, and they want me eaten up with them as well.

Do I think it’s wrong to share opinions online? Not by any means. I applaud those who can keep clear eyes and make good faith arguments, however the incentives put in place by the nature of social media doesn’t reward a lot of deep nuanced thought, so most of what we see ends up just being uninformed emotion.

But listen, I’m still angry. I’m angry about the state of our leadership (or lack there of). I’m angry that poorly trained federal agents are cosplaying like they’re in Call of Duty and endangering the public. I’m angry that many Christians I know have replaced God with politics which gives them the permission to no longer love their enemies. I’m angry that there are so many figures eager to label themselves Christians, but are really just nihilistic opportunists, racists, and political operatives who are just greedy for power and influence.

My blood pressure is rising just thinking about all of it.

I don’t think it’s wrong to be angry. I think it can often be very justified. But I can’t let all that stuff I’m angry about be about me. Otherwise, my anger is useless.

But, I have no political power other than on Election Day. No one is listening for my views or my advice on anything of importance. So what is it that I can do?

It’s easier said than done, but I think the solution for someone like myself is to keep a clear head. Keep a clear head and make my work with joy. And use that joy to bring hope to others. And I’ve been trying my hardest to do that. I often fail, especially when life bogs me down, but don’t confuse me: Postcards, Polaroids, and whatever else aren’t meant as a way to say that anything going on in the world isn’t important. It’s a reminder that there’s a lot to be grateful for and appreciate out there despite the darkness.

Ultimately, I do believe that joy and hope will win the day. I hang my hat on that, which is the only way I’m not completely disintegrated with resentment and fear right now. The world peddles bitterness, and it’s infecting everything like a disease. It doesn’t stop until it touches everything good and curdles it.

There’s still so much to enjoy and be grateful for. One of the things I’m immensely grateful for is all the people that take the time to reach out to me about what we’re doing here with Double Negative. Even when the comments accuse me of being a Polaroid shill (which again, I’m open to), I still appreciate that my video was important enough for someone to comment on.

Speaking of all this, here’s Day 13/365 of my daily postcard poem series:

For $5, I’ll send this postcard to YOU! (Remember, there’s only one!)

https://willmalone.com/collections/postcards

Here’s this week’s video about the first week of my postcard project: