Genius, on accident

leave the door cracked

Double Negative Dispatch Issue #103

Sorry, it’s been a bit since I’ve written a regular Double Negative Dispatch (whatever “regular” means), but I needed a second to catch my breath from the sprint of life over the past few weeks.

I wanted to talk about this photo of me, looking up to the heavens, lit by warm lamplight, recently purchased on Amazon, next to a TV playing the Korean film, No Other Choice.

Maybe you’ve heard, but I acquired a modified Polaroid SX-70 camera. Basically, I can now easily shoot double-exposure images via a camera not designed to do so. The problem, however, is that the film counter that tells me how many photos I have left in my pack has ceased to be functional. (Since I take 2-3 images per frame now)

So, I was watching No Other Choice, and my mind began to wander. I looked at the camera laying on the couch next to me and asked myself, “Do I have any shots left?” I took a picture of my lamp from the couch. No ejection, due to the modification of the camera, so I got up, bathed my face in the light of the lamp, and took a selfie. I went through my Polaroid ejection ritual, and boom. A photo came out.

Honestly, I was pretty surprised by how good the photo was. Photographers love to use the word “intent” as if we are divine beings coordinating the chaotic elements of the world around us into a beautiful, celestial order. In this case, I had one “intent”—I just wanted to see if there was any film left in the camera. (Turns out, there was!)

I am a control freak by nature. There’s really no reason for it; it’s not like I have a proven track record of knowing better than anyone else or anything. It’s just a personal comfort to myself knowing that I’m at the wheel. I used to be convinced that there was some experience as a child that led me to believe that no hands were safer than my own, but listening to my daughter tell me she doesn’t want me to read to her because she can handle it herself (despite not knowing how to read), convinces me that there’s no logic to any of this. I was born a hardhead, not because my caveman ancestors needed hard heads in order to break down the shells of mollusks, but because each human is born with some built-in delusion somewhere. Control freakish-ness and distrust is mine.

When I realized what this photo was going to be, I had a jolt of excitement. This photo would make me look like a master of double-exposure photography. That even when I’m half in the bag watching a Korean film on Hulu, I can crap out gold.

Thinking back to that “jolt”, I realize that I have this feeling quite often. I’m more than willing to take credit for accidents, even though I know that there was no real “intent” there. I’m sure this is something many artists and photographers feel. Not to say I didn’t do anything, obviously I’ve absorbed years of knowledge into my subconscious and held the camera a certain way, but I had no idea what would come out of my modified SX-70. (if anything came out at all)

My best work is the greatest proof to myself that my control freakish-ness is a delusion. Many of my best photos are genius…on complete accident.

It sounds like there’s a helplessness to that, and I don’t mean for it seem passive. I just think that my priorities are often out of whack. If I come in with too rigid of a plan, I’m locking the door to any new thoughts or ideas that may introduce themselves along the way. I only have the knowledge that I have, so my imagination has limits. The thing I’ve been trying to get better at is leaving the door cracked so something unpredictable can walk in.

It’s why I love this moment where David Lynch flips out because he doesn’t have enough time to dream:

He’s looking at the creative process as fluid. He comes in with a plan, but he remains moldable by the environment. Maybe there’s something that presents itself that never entered his thinking that could contribute to the work in the moment.

What I’ve learned over the years is that the goal should be less about controlling every element in a Kubrickian fashion, but rather to create an environment for delightful accidents to take place. We do that through absorbing knowledge, understanding technical principles, and a lot of practice. Unconsciously, I photographed my lamp because it projected a particular shape of light against a shadow-y wall. I knew if anything, that harsh line between highlight and shadow is a favorable environment for double-exposure, so the likelihood of something interesting happening would be higher.

The goal is to build a world where accidental genius can take place on a more regular basis. And lately, I’ve been pissy like David Lynch because life has been forcing me to run at a breakneck pace with no time to dream and let new ideas in.

That said, I had one window of time the other night where I put on a movie and had my camera with me. I had a moment to dream, so here’s a picture of it.